205 Days

Today has been so difficult. It's May 5th- cinco de mayo or cinco de drinko as I have always called it.  This day last year I was out drinking & drinking late into the night although it was a work night. I vividly recall my husband leaving with our younger daughter while I stayed late into the night with my middle daughter (college aged) and her boyfriend. It was more important for me to stay & party than to go home with my husband. I shake my head at that memory. What was I thinking? How selfish! Fast forward a year and tonight I made tacos (my homage to the holiday) and went to an AA meeting. I wasn't planning on going but my oldest daughter (the new college graduate) is here and after drinking the afternoon away she was drunk fighting with her boyfriend. I started to feel shaky & uncomfortable in my house thus the meeting. I know my husband was confused that I just needed to get out of the house so knowing he wanted me to stay home made it that much harder to go to the meeting. But I knew if I stayed home I'd have to battle the uncomfortable feelings & white knuckle the night. So away I went feeling nervous about my husband possibly being upset with me. I literally made the tacos & booked it outta there! The meeting was just OK because I didn't have the guts to share my conflicted feelings about the holiday. About my daughter and her boyfriend being drunk at the house. About my husband not understanding why I had to leave.  So needless to say I didn't get much from the meeting other than an escape from my house. After the meeting I chatted with another teacher friend about being sober, being a teacher sober, traveling sober. We both cried on each others' shoulders, bitched about missing drinking sometimes...I loved our conversation and for that reason I'm glad I went to the meeting! This is what's been missing in my life the last 23 years: a true friend. Not a mommy friend. Not a drinking friend. Just a friend who I can turn to and say...it's easy not to drink but it's really fucking hard to live sober. So we made plans to meet up tomorrow morning at an early meeting and I made it through cinco de drinko sober! I made it because I took action. I accepted that I couldn't change what was happening at my house but that I could change my reaction to it by going to a meeting. And I had the courage to stand up to my husband to do it. Hmmm...sounds a whole lot like the serenity prayer!
Still dreaming and not drinking...((hugs))
Jamie